Chess Daffynitions

AAGAARD: Grandmaster who changed his name to be first on the FIDE rating list.

ADJOURNMENT: pause in the game so that both players can get help from chess computers and high-rated players.

ADJUDICATOR: someone rated 200 points than you that can render his judgment not in your favor after looking at the position for less than one minute.

ALEKHINE: type of battery for digital chess clock.

ALGEBRAIC NOTATION: A way of recording games for those who can't describe them. Unlike the metric system, it was adopted by the United States eventually.

AMATEUR: Someone who hustles in chess for money.

ANALYSIS: Proof by computer or master that you could have won the game you lost.

ATTACK: a short, sharp-pointed nail.

BACKWARD PAWN: A pawn that lives deep in the woods.

BAD BISHOP: another Catholic caught in a sex scandal, or the only bishop you have left on the board.

BAROQUE CHESS SET: Unrepaired chess set.

BATTERY: See Alekhine.

BIRD'S OPENING: a small hole in the side of a coop. Named after Henry Bird, who was nearsighted and always grabbed the wrong pawn on the first move.

BISHOP PAIR: strange bed fellows.

BISHOPS OF OPPOSITE COLORS: a very strange couple.

BLITZ: A game of chess where the players move faster than they think.

BLUNDER: A sacrifice made to get a tactical disadvantage, leading to a lost game. If the game is won, however, then it is called a brilliancy.

BOARD: What chess widows are at chess tournaments with their husbands.

BRILLIANCY: A combinative sequence that didn’t lose and is easy to see once the solution is known.

BUGHOUSE CHESS: Team chess game where you can always blame your losses on your partner’s play.

BUST: bad opening when playing a well-endowed female.

BYE: A full point given to an odd player who has nothing to do.

CENTER: For normal players, it is the d4, d5, e4, e5 squares. For hypermodern players, it is the a1, a8, h1, h8 squares.

CENTER COUNTER: small table in the middle of a room.

CHEAPO: A trap that loses a piece and is so obvious that only an idiot would fall for it, and he does.

CHECK: what chess players hate to hear at a tournament or restaurant.

CHECKMATE: A position a novice gets himself in because he doesn’t know the words “I resign.”

CHESS: A game played on squares by squares.

CHESS LIFE: A magazine that comes out late once a month about tournaments that occurred 6 months ago.

CLASSIC CHESS BOOK: A chess book that people praise and don’t read. Usually written in descriptive notation.

COLLE: opening for dog lovers

COMBINATION: Series of moves that is too long for the average player to understand until pointed out to him.

COMPENSATION: A lie that chess books and masters tell you when you are a pawn down.

CORRESPONDENCE CHESS: the check really is in the mail. On the Internet, it is a method of play to see who has the strongest chess computer.

CROQUET: Chess with sweat.

DANISH GAMBIT: opening for pastry lovers.

DEEP BLUE: Joel Benjamin’s favorite color.

DISCOVERED ATTACK: Something you find when walking around barefoot near a bulletin board.

DISCOVERED CHECK: one that fell behind a desk long time ago.

DOUBLE CHECK: Something you do when you shopped at Target recently.

DRAW: Something that Marcel Duchamp was good at.

DUFFER: Any chess player who can beat you 3 times in a row, and won’t play you again.

ENDGAME: Punishment for missing a win before move 20. It is your last opportunity to miss a draw or win.

ETHICS IN CHESS: Undefined.

FIANCHETTO: Pinnochio's last name.

FISH: A weak player that falls for all your traps and still wins.

FOOL'S MATE: A chessplayer's spouse.

FORESIGHT: The ability to play in those chess tournaments that you are sure you are the highest rated player and are sure of winning.

FRENCH DEFENSE: a Maginot line.

FRIED LIVER ATTACK: a form of indigestion.

GAMBIT: An unsound sacrifice in the opening.

GOOD BISHOP: Your opponent’s bishop, and you can’t block it.

GRANDMASTER: A player so strong, that he can draw all his games.

GRANDMASTER DRAW: A short game in which both players are afraid of each other.

GRECO GAMBIT: opening for wrestlers.

If-Move. A method of predicting the next move to shorten a postal chess game from 12 months to 11 months and 3 weeks.

HANGING PAWN: A pawn that committed suicide (could also be a poisoned pawn).

HELPMATE: Your spouse when you are sick in bed and can’t move.

ILLEGAL: a sick bird.

J’ADOUBE: French for “if I move this piece, I may lose the game.”

KIBITZER: A spectator that gives good advice to your opponent and bad advice to you.

KING’S INDIAN REVERSED: NAIDNI SGNI’K.

KNIGHT ENDING: dawn.

LOST GAME: Something your opponent had for the past 10 moves, before he won.

MAROCZY: A chess master who always got in a bind.

MAROCZY BIND: an unusual form of constipation.

MATE: spouse.

MINORITY ATTACK: a civil rights revolt.

MORAL VICTORY: A term used to make the loser feel better after he got crushed.

OPEN FILE: A Word document that you are editing.

OVERPROTECTION: A term coined by Aron Nimzowitch about his relationship with his mother.

PIN: A sharp move.

RANK: A military term for enlisted men and officers. 1^st rank could be a 2^nd Lieutenant. 7^th rank could be a general.

ROUND ROBIN: Fat bird.

SACRIFICE: Any piece that was left unprotected and taken for free.

SAM LOYD: An endgame composer always causing problems.

SANDBAGGER: Person who helps out during floods and hurricanes.

SELF-HELP MATE: a bigamist.

SIESTA VARIATION: taking a nap before noon.

SKITTLES: Fruit-favored candy.

STALEMATE: a spouse who keeps repeating the same old jokes.

SUDDEN DEATH: What happened to Paul Keres, Jose Capablanca, and Alexander Alekhine.

SWINDLE: The only way an opponent can be beaten.

SWISS-SYSTEM: A pairing system full of homes.

TIE: What you wear with a suit.

TRAP: Something you saw, but forgot about until you fell into it and lost.

THEORETICAL NOVELTY: A old, forgotten move that excites a master.

WON GAME: Any game you lost.

WOODPUSHER: lobbyist for the timber industry.

ZUGZWANG: German for "constipated." The term is used when it hurts to move.